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The Demitri Platform

Politics are about more than good looks and collecting lots and lots of money and donations. People also care about issues. Here are some of the issues that Demitri will tackle
once he is elected as your President.

• Naptime: Demitri believes that a good nap is the important part of the day. Demitri will work to pass legislation for a mandatory naptime every workday.
  
  
• Homeland Security: Keeping Americans safe is a high priority. Demitri plans to make sure that there are more baby gates in dangerious doorways. These gates will keep adults and kids safe by keeping babies from underfoot, and keeping the terrorists out.
  
  
• Night Lights: Americans are afraid of nothing. However, the dark can be scarey. In order for all Americans to sleep soundly, and to keep the terrorists at bay, Demitri will work to make sure that there are nightlights in bedrooms across this great land.
  
  
• Education: The educational system has lost touch with what made us a great country. The current Administration has gutted the arts, music, European literature, and other creative programs from our schools in the name of getting back to basics.
  We don't think they have gone far enough. Seriously, when was the last time YOU used long division? Demitri will concentrate on getting us back to the real basics. Under the Demitri plan, kids will graduate from school knowing just the basics: How to read Dr. Suess books, how to count all the way from one to ten with no mistakes, how to print their names, and we will reintroduce the arts back into the schools so that our children will be able to color inside the lines at least 80% of the time.
  Trust us, these goals would be a vast improvement over our current school system.
  
  
• Canada: In a recent survey, 97% of Americans and 85% of the international community see Canada as part of the United States. Demitri feels that, while it is really cute that Canada pretends to be their own country, it is time for a reality check. Demitri will take the bold step that previous Presidents have feared to take. Demitri will lead the glorious United States Armed Forces in an glorious invasion of Canada.
  Yes, there will be danger. Canada does have an army, and we expect all twelve members of that army to put up a strong fight. However, we feel that we will be victorious in this battle. This is manifest destiny at its greatest, and when we raise the American flag over Ottawa, it will be our finest hour.
  And since we are talking about invading Canada, this war should only take about an hour.
  
  
• PlayPlaces: Demitri feels that there is a severe lack of play areas at American fast food restaurants. Demitri will work with the fast food industry to expand the current Playplace program.
  
  
• Free Expression: Demitri understands just how precious speech is. He is just learning to talk. Demitri will fight for the rights of citizens to express their opinions, either through speaking or through temper tandrums.
  

Paid for by the Grand Committee of Grassroots Voters Who
Wanted Demitri to Run for President